My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
