I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
