i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
