Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
