If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
