tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
