I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
