Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
