my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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