So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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