When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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