My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
