the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
