did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
