If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
