Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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