Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
