Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize