He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
