we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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