I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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