just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
