I feel like abortions should bother me more
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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