I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
No subtext here. People are naked.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
