everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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