im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
