i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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