If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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