He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
