I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
