What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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