singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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