So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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