LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
