Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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