My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Randomize
