I was born with a shot glass in my hand
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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