dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Randomize
