I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
