If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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