why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The beer is more important than you right now.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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