this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
