there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
