I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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