so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
soo... how was my night?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
