So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
