Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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