The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
