I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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