we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize