Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
