you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
