im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
