he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
