I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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