My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
