I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
