Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
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