I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
