when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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